*My thoughts and fears on motherhood*

This is more of just a journal entry of the thoughts/fears that have been running through my mind lately, and the reason why I can't sleep at the moment. So I thought if I write it out that maybe I'll stop thinking about it so much and go to sleep haha. I don't know maybe it's words for some other mommy who is feeling similar, but feel free to not read if journal entries bore you or your the perfect mother and nothing bothers you (which some people make it seem that way).

Jaden is almost 18 months and naturally we have been sort of thinking of another baby but I'm so back and forth and here is why...I'M TERRIFIED TO DEATH. I will have more children of course so that's not even a question, it's just when will we? There are some mom's who I think are just amazing and nothing with children phases them or maybe that's just how it seems to me. Way back in the day starting at the age of 3 years old my baby sister Robyn was born and I was right there every morning jumping in the crib wanting to change her diaper,dress her, and feed her. Going forward I started at the age of 8 years old babysitting for short periods of time for neighbors and then of course as I got older loved babysitting all the time and had regulars that would call me every weekend. The cooking, cleaning, bathing, feeding,playing with just came natural to me and I loved it.

So I eventually grow out of babysitting and move on to college and then of course get married! Right away I have babies on the mind but give the married life a good year to settle into :) which now I know was very smart. I get pregnant going into the second year of marriage and was absolutley thrilled and was so excited to finally be a mommy. Jaden arrived into the world at 11:45 pm October 18, 2010, and I'm just in love right away, the hospital stay was good and we take him home.

The first night we have him home he cries ALL NIGHT and nothing makes him happy (no one ever told me to have some formula on hand, cause I think he was just hungry and colostrum wasn't doing it for him.) Anyways, that first night with him was I would say one of the hardest nights of my life and triggered my baby blues. So of course eventually things got better and every day got a little easier. So I'm a new mommy and thought because of all my babysitting I knew everything hahah YEAH RIGHT. Now don't get me wrong I absolutley LOVE being a mother and wouldn't change it for the world. Jaden is my little angel from heaven, but I'm not going to sugar coat..it can be very HARD at times. I gave up way to quickly with nursing..stress, needing control over something. If it could not be sleep it was going to be knowing how much he ate. I still beat myself up over it sometimes, because I feel like I cheated him and myself out of bonding and of course good nutrition. I never knew nursing was hard or at least it was for me, but I vow to not give up on the next one haha sorry Jaden.

I have never prayed more in his first year of life than in my whole life combined. I don't know where I would be without prayer to my Father in Heaven. One experience sticks out in my mind which has continued to strengthen my testimony to this day. Long story short Jaden was spitting up a lot so went to his pediatrician who referred me to a GI specialist to get reflux meds. I had not gotten a lot of sleep in the days prior and was seriously reaching my breaking point. Reason that I knew this was that we were driving to the specialist and someone cut me off or was driving stupid, and I was seriously contemplating running into them with my car haha no joke. We get back home and I'm just done and put Jaden in his crib. I laid on the bed and prayed to Heavenly Father with everything that I had that Jaden would sleep so that I could, otherwise I might have a mental break down. Haha I'm crying while writing this but my sweet little Jaden slept and he slept for like 5 hours (which he usually never did that long during the day). I even woke up before him.... so refreshed and ready to be a good sane mommy again.

I know that it was an answer to my prayer and a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. He knows me and how much I can and cannot handle, and that goes for all his children.

I guess my fear is that I won't be able to handle two. I mean one is manageable, still hard but I think I have a pretty good grip on things now. So I'm just scarred that I'll never sleep again, that both will be sick at the same time and what will I do? I mean nursing one when the other is hungry and crying..how do you do it? Keeping the romance in your marriage but being so exhausted you can't function lol again how do you do it..with not one but now two, three, or four? I guess I need to remember that the older ones will of course be more independent but still they will all be small together at one point.

I know that I can do it, and will do it. Why? Because I want more babies and the one I have now is such a sweet blessing in our lives.I know it will be hard but I pray Heavenly Father will give me the patience and energy I will need to handle it. I want so bad to be the best mommy in the world but need to understand that I will make mistakes because I'm human we all are.

WOW, I feel better already just typing this out...thank you blogging. Last thing I will write haha if anyone is still reading at this point in my novel, really just a side note to mommies: getting out of the house and going to the gym for an hour or two a day HELPS more than I can say. Dropping Jaden off at the gym daycare and getting in a good workout makes my day so much better and gives me the little something I need for myself. The days I miss once in awhile I notice that I'm more grumpy and not as energized. I'm a better happier mom because of it, and even if you don't need to loose weight just do it for good health and to feel like you have accomplished something good for the day.

The End...Goodnight!

*My sweetheart's birthday..THE BIG 2-7*

That's right Josh is now 27 years old! I made sure to make his birthday this year extra special since the last two weren't so great (last year he was in WA on work travel and the year before I was prego need I say more lol.)

I woke up early and made him a yummy breakfast which I brought to him in bed. We then met up for lunch, and after that I went to work on decorating our apartment and making him his favorite cake German chocolate. We had a fun little birthday party just the three of us! So for presents I got Josh a few shirts and the big one was the iPad...YES we finally have one yeaaaa! So here are some pictures from this festive event.

All the fun decorations and as you can see Jaden is loving them




Josh in all his glory of blowing the big 2-7 candles




Now comes the presents




He was really surprised because we had talked about getting one but not till around my birthday. I figured he deserved to get it for his though haha aren't I a sweet wife!?!

Until next year.....

*Riding dunes to riding bulls*

This was our final dune trip of the year..well until Thanksgiving. We had a blast and sad that it's over for awhile. I think we mostly enjoyed it just because we were in the sunshine and away from cold rainy Washington. I think my riding this time around was actually pretty good and I would say I'm becoming an intermediate rider now haha.

Jaden was super cute on this trip, because he is getting the concept of riding quads so is always wanting to ride around with daddy or papa. He also has his own little power wheels quad which he is starting to really enjoy as well. He is now 17 months old and it just amazes me how much he learns and absorbs every day. I love that little boy more than life and love that he is mine! Get ready for pictures galore...




If you can't tell I love taking pictures of my little man, in my opinion he is very photogenic haha unlike his mommy.





My sweet baby niece Brityn... first dune trip 3 months old



Then we were off to the PBR (Professional Bull Riding). My father in-law watches it all the time on TV so we thought it would be fun to go see it live. Jaden loved it and was surprisingly really good and sat still for most of it.





So we are now back in rainy Seattle, and when we left Arizona it was raining there hahah so we left in rain and came back to rain. We truly love AZ though and the sunshine, which we used to take for granted but now soak up the vitamin D every time we get the chance.

*Up close and personal with the Hunger Games cast*

I think I have made it clear to everyone that I'm OBSESSED with The Hunger Games books and soon to come out movie. So when I heard the cast was coming to Seattle for a Q&A session of course I had to be there. The crowd was loud and annoying haha, but so worth it to see the stars! I got some really good pictures of the cast so enjoy!








Before the Hunger Games event we went to the Seattle, Woodland Zoo which was lots of fun and they had so many cool animals. It was of course rainy out so we didn't stay long enough to see everything, so will probably be going back on a nice day haah which could be forever away.

*Lou and Monk take Seattle*

The nicknames above are for my sister Robyn (skinny monk) and myself (Lou). The history behind these names is as follows: I saw the movie The Karate Kid with Hilary Swank back in the day, and in the movie there are Chinese monks who were super skinny hence the name skinny monk. So ever since then which was years ago I have called my sister that, and rarely ever use her actual name. My name came from my brother who for some reason one day started calling me Lou and it just sort of stuck.

Anyways this post is not about our nicknames lol, my sister came to visit me FINALLY up here in rainy Washington for a whole week. We had the BEST time together doing all sorts of fun things. I think she probably had the funnest time playing with Jaden who is the love of her life after her hubby of course.

We took her to the Space Needle because that is something you have to do when you come here. We also went to Pike's Market Place, took a ride on the Ride the Ducks Land and Water tour (basically a boat/bus that tours you all over downtown Seattle, then drives onto Lake Union and shows you some tourist things on the water), and Josh had to show her the Museum of Flight (more for his entertainment).




These are all taken at the Museum of Flight



This was before we left for downtown Seattle, had to post it because it's just too cute not too.


Pike's Market Place and the Land and Sea tour

I loved having my sister here with me. She was the most amazing help to me and the best company EVER! I have the BEST sister in the world, she has seen me through my best and worst times and has always been there for me no matter what. I'm so blessed and privileged to have her in my life! Good thing I'm going home to Arizona on Sunday, because I already miss her like crazy.