This is more of just a journal entry of the thoughts/fears that have been running through my mind lately, and the reason why I can't sleep at the moment. So I thought if I write it out that maybe I'll stop thinking about it so much and go to sleep haha. I don't know maybe it's words for some other mommy who is feeling similar, but feel free to not read if journal entries bore you or your the perfect mother and nothing bothers you (which some people make it seem that way).
Jaden is almost 18 months and naturally we have been sort of thinking of another baby but I'm so back and forth and here is why...I'M TERRIFIED TO DEATH. I will have more children of course so that's not even a question, it's just when will we? There are some mom's who I think are just amazing and nothing with children phases them or maybe that's just how it seems to me. Way back in the day starting at the age of 3 years old my baby sister Robyn was born and I was right there every morning jumping in the crib wanting to change her diaper,dress her, and feed her. Going forward I started at the age of 8 years old babysitting for short periods of time for neighbors and then of course as I got older loved babysitting all the time and had regulars that would call me every weekend. The cooking, cleaning, bathing, feeding,playing with just came natural to me and I loved it.
So I eventually grow out of babysitting and move on to college and then of course get married! Right away I have babies on the mind but give the married life a good year to settle into :) which now I know was very smart. I get pregnant going into the second year of marriage and was absolutley thrilled and was so excited to finally be a mommy. Jaden arrived into the world at 11:45 pm October 18, 2010, and I'm just in love right away, the hospital stay was good and we take him home.
The first night we have him home he cries ALL NIGHT and nothing makes him happy (no one ever told me to have some formula on hand, cause I think he was just hungry and colostrum wasn't doing it for him.) Anyways, that first night with him was I would say one of the hardest nights of my life and triggered my baby blues. So of course eventually things got better and every day got a little easier. So I'm a new mommy and thought because of all my babysitting I knew everything hahah YEAH RIGHT. Now don't get me wrong I absolutley LOVE being a mother and wouldn't change it for the world. Jaden is my little angel from heaven, but I'm not going to sugar coat..it can be very HARD at times. I gave up way to quickly with nursing..stress, needing control over something. If it could not be sleep it was going to be knowing how much he ate. I still beat myself up over it sometimes, because I feel like I cheated him and myself out of bonding and of course good nutrition. I never knew nursing was hard or at least it was for me, but I vow to not give up on the next one haha sorry Jaden.
I have never prayed more in his first year of life than in my whole life combined. I don't know where I would be without prayer to my Father in Heaven. One experience sticks out in my mind which has continued to strengthen my testimony to this day. Long story short Jaden was spitting up a lot so went to his pediatrician who referred me to a GI specialist to get reflux meds. I had not gotten a lot of sleep in the days prior and was seriously reaching my breaking point. Reason that I knew this was that we were driving to the specialist and someone cut me off or was driving stupid, and I was seriously contemplating running into them with my car haha no joke. We get back home and I'm just done and put Jaden in his crib. I laid on the bed and prayed to Heavenly Father with everything that I had that Jaden would sleep so that I could, otherwise I might have a mental break down. Haha I'm crying while writing this but my sweet little Jaden slept and he slept for like 5 hours (which he usually never did that long during the day). I even woke up before him.... so refreshed and ready to be a good sane mommy again.
I know that it was an answer to my prayer and a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. He knows me and how much I can and cannot handle, and that goes for all his children.
I guess my fear is that I won't be able to handle two. I mean one is manageable, still hard but I think I have a pretty good grip on things now. So I'm just scarred that I'll never sleep again, that both will be sick at the same time and what will I do? I mean nursing one when the other is hungry and crying..how do you do it? Keeping the romance in your marriage but being so exhausted you can't function lol again how do you do it..with not one but now two, three, or four? I guess I need to remember that the older ones will of course be more independent but still they will all be small together at one point.
I know that I can do it, and will do it. Why? Because I want more babies and the one I have now is such a sweet blessing in our lives.I know it will be hard but I pray Heavenly Father will give me the patience and energy I will need to handle it. I want so bad to be the best mommy in the world but need to understand that I will make mistakes because I'm human we all are.
WOW, I feel better already just typing this out...thank you blogging. Last thing I will write haha if anyone is still reading at this point in my novel, really just a side note to mommies: getting out of the house and going to the gym for an hour or two a day HELPS more than I can say. Dropping Jaden off at the gym daycare and getting in a good workout makes my day so much better and gives me the little something I need for myself. The days I miss once in awhile I notice that I'm more grumpy and not as energized. I'm a better happier mom because of it, and even if you don't need to loose weight just do it for good health and to feel like you have accomplished something good for the day.
The End...Goodnight!
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*For time and all eternity*
Suns Game
Thinking of a game plan
A kiss for good luck at the game!
Honeymoon in Cancun, Mexico
Us in front of the beautiful ocean
Swimming with the Dolphins
The dolphin giving me a smooch!
Eating dinner at the HardRock Cafe
Snorkeling!
Yummy Pina Coladas
5 comments:
you are not alone. I once heard someone say "the years are short, but the days are long." They grow up too fast, but those hard moments seem to last forever. Motherhood is the hardest most trying thing I have gone through, but the most rewarding as well. Read the talk Children by Neil L Andersen. I was terrified with our second and I won't lie, it has been incredibly difficult. However, you will get through it. The best mother doesn't have all the patience in the world or the most fun activities. I think the best mother just loves her children unconditionally and tries to be better every day. You're a great mom. Don't second guess yourself. You'll be a great mom to many more babies.
Ok, now I am in tears too. I am not going to lie either. Having two is HARD! However, I will say that I believe it is all worth it. It is so incredibly rewarding to see how much my babies love each other. The last 6 months has for sure been the most difficult of my life and I know I could not do it again. (Thus giving me peace in our decision to have my tubes tied when Matthew was born) Matthew has been very difficult with all his health problems (HORRIBLE reflux and much more). BUT, I would not give him up for anything. I know that the Lord won't give us more than we can handle. And he obviously knew I couldn't handle two when Abby was so young still, which is why I lost two angel babies. There is no way I could have made it through these first six months with Matty if Abby wasn't four and pretty self sufficient. I have been brought to my knees in tears many times, but I am making it through. You will too. Just keep praying and you will know when the time is right. There is no rush so give yourself time to feel confident in your decision. And you never know, your next baby may be super easy and you will breeze through the transition to two kids!
You are a great mommy and I am glad to know I am not the only one who struggles with this mommy gig! Love you!
Wow, Christy there is SO much I want to say to you. You and I are so much alike, first of all. (can't wait to see you again soon so that I can catch up with you!!!) Having 2 is very hard. Ours are 21 months apart and if its any consolation I got preggo again when T was 15ish months, so I think it would be easier for you cause they would be further spaced. Still, the first few weeks were such a struggle. C is only 5 wks old now but I can already feel things getting easier. The Lord will bless you immensely when he knows you are trying to do the best you can. Things get easier, but it takes some time. Others have told me that when #2 gets to be about 3-4 months old it is SO much better, so you just gotta make it through the first few months like a crazy woman! haha. I agree with the previous comments about how it is all worth it. Nothing is sweeter than holding your child (or children) and knowing that they belong to you, that you created them with the love of your life. I know you can do it, because I know how strong you are. We have all had those days & nights where we just want to cry, and frankly that is just a part of motherhood. It stinks, but it passes and life gets easier- we get a little more tolerating of things. I love you so much Christy and just reading this post reminds me of how much you inspire me to be a better mom. I have enjoyed watching Jaden grow through the blog pics and reading about your life as a mom. You are amazing. Call me anytime!
All I can say is...I had the same fears, and that is probably partly why we spaced our first two children out farther than 2 years. They are almost 3 1/2 years apart because when Ava was 18 months, I was like, "there is no way I can be sick and pregnant, and have to handle this toddler, and then another baby, while recovering from birthing the second one!" I would say, don't feel pressured by society, family, friends, etc. to space your children so close if you really feel that you are not ready, it's not the right time for your family, or however you receive your answer. There's more than one way to space your children...do what's best for you, your family, and your sanity...as long as it is also what the Lord wants. I know you will make the right decision. Just remember, there is no commandment that says, "Thou shalt have a baby every two years otherwise you are a whoosie of a mother who is selfish." On a more personal note, Jeff and I decided that we will have our next baby, and the next, and the next, when we both feel like we should, not when the last one has hit a certain age or when our parents start to ask. You should feel ready, excited, and most of all, peace and comfort when you both pray about it...but that's just my opinion. Hope that helps! Glad to hear you guys are doing so well! You look great, by the way!
The fact that you want to be the best mom you can be is a great way to start and a very telling sign that you already ARE a good mom! Speaking not from my own experience but from the experiences of my mom, sister, sister-in-law, etc., having a second baby fairly close in age to the first baby is difficult and time consuming. BUT, it is very doable and they all seemed to get the hang of it pretty quickly. I don't think either decision (whether to go for it now or wait a while longer) is the right/wrong one. So just keep praying and talking it out with Josh (I can imagine what he says about it all :)) and things will work out. Good luck!
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